Many of our clients often ask me if it is possible for introverts to have strong Relational Intelligence. As an extrovert, I have found this to be a fascinating question. The typical stereotypes of introverts are that they are presumed to be anti-social, dislike most people, and are not personable. On the contrary, many introverts love meaningful conversations and relationships. Susan Cain, the author of the book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, argues that modern western culture misjudges the capabilities of introverted people. Cain describes how society is biased against introverts, and that, people are taught from childhood that being sociable is to be desired. Introversion is often considered somewhere between disappointment and certain types of pathology.
Research conducted by organizational psychologists and behavioral scientists supports Cain’s perspective. Numerous studies have found that introverts deeply value socialization. High-quality personal relationships play a key role in introverts' overall happiness, well-being, and fulfillment. However, the common misconception is that extroverts are greater at building relationships. That’s because they place more importance on social interactions, are energized and refreshed after being in a crowd, and prefer to work in groups or teams rather than independently. However, our research at Bandelli & Associates has found that introverts often possess greater levels of Relational Intelligence than extroverts do.
Relationally intelligent introverts are often highly self-aware, observant, and are excellent listeners. In fact, one study conducted in 2018 by Newport Healthcare found that introverts tend to make more accurate observations about human behavior than extroverts. Introverts tend to “read” people and situations better. They also tend to think before speaking, meaning they’re less likely to say something at the wrong time or place in organizational settings.
Relationally intelligent introverts are also more curious and inquisitive than extroverts. They ask questions first before having the need to share their thoughts or perspectives with others. And when they ask questions, they actively listen to what another person is communicating. They don’t feel the need to prepare their response as someone is speaking, which is often a bad habit for many extroverts.
Relationally intelligent introverts are highly skilled at putting themselves in other people’s shoes. They have deep levels of empathy and use their EQ to understand their emotions, and those of others when building relationships.
Although introverts may feel more comfortable focusing on their inner thoughts and ideas, rather than on what is happening externally, this does not mean that they are not wired for deep, intimate connections. Mistaking introversion for shyness is a common error. Introversion is a personality preference, while shyness can often stem from trauma or distress. Our research on Relational Intelligence suggests introversion is not a “second-class” trait but is a great asset for many leaders. Here are five ways relationally intelligent introverts are highly skilled at connecting with people and building strong, long-lasting relationships.
1. Use of energy to Establish Rapport when meeting new people: One of the many differences between relationally intelligent introverts and extroverts is where introverts choose to place their ENERGY. Introverts are completely comfortable being alone. Silence is extremely calming to them. They also tend to be deep thinkers. They thrive off conversations that provoke thoughts. So, when introverts meet people for the first time, they have a knack for creating a strong initial positive connection because they are selective in the language and word choices that they use. They understand how to use non-verbal behaviors and eye contact to draw others into a conversation. And they are comfortable when there are pauses in a discussion. They use this time to reflect on what is being communicated, whereas extroverts dread moments of silence when interacting with others.
2. Active listening and empathy when Understanding Others: One of the greatest Relational Intelligence skills that introverts possess is how they learn about people. Relationally intelligent introverts are INTENTIONAL about putting in the time and effort needed to get to know others on a deep level. Because introverts prefer smaller, more intimate gatherings, it gives them greater opportunities to spend quality one-on-one time with people. Introverts are also phenomenal active listeners. Unlike extroverts, who can hear someone with their ears, but not pay attention because they are so focused on what they are going to say next, introverts take time to process and internalize the “what” and “how” others are communicating. This enables them to empathize on a deeper level and emotionally connect with friends, colleagues, and coworkers.
3. Greater thought and reflection about human behavior when Embracing Individual Differences: Relationally intelligent introverts process people and events for longer periods before sharing their thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Because they have less of an impulsive desire to speak before thinking, they take more time to learn and understand what makes others unique. Our research has found that AUTHENTICITY tends to be more important for introverts than it does for extroverts. This is because many extroverts enjoy being the center of attention and can put on facades easily to make their social interactions more enjoyable. Introverts, on the other hand, tend to have close relationships with a smaller number of friends, so “being themselves” comes more naturally.
4. Invest more time in Developing Trust with people: Researchers have found that introverts typically have very close relationships with a smaller number of friends than their extroverted counterparts. These relationships can span decades because of the commitment and investment introverts make to get to know those they care about. When a relationally intelligent introvert has the desire to build a relationship with someone, they have an easier time being honest, candid, and VULNERABLE. Using these types of behaviors is what quickly strengthens the bonds an introvert has with those they invite into their ”inner circle.”
5. Develop deep, close-knit relationships that enable them to Cultivate Influence on those they care about: Many introverts are empaths. They feel emotions on a deeper, more powerful way than most extroverts do. And because introverts tend to have high EQ, and are reflective thinkers, what they share with their friends and loved ones are usually well thought out. Where extroverts talk more than they listen, and can have the tendency to dominate conversations, introverts choose their words wisely. So, when relationally intelligent introverts provide feedback or input to others it can have a greater positive IMPACT on the lives of those they care about. Introverts do not get joy or pleasure from having surface-level relationships, so the people they choose as friends find them to be great listeners who are not judgmental. Introverts accept people for who they are and this contributes to the depth of the relationships they build over time.
Although most people are not on the extreme ends of the scale when it comes to introversion or extroversion, historically introverts tend to get a bad reputation. They are viewed as naturally withdrawn, shy, and antisocial while extroverts are seen as charismatic, outgoing, boisterous, and assertive. It’s time for introverts to be acknowledged and commended for many of the great qualities they bring to developing relationships. While you may not be able to change your personality, you can learn, practice, and apply the skills of Relational Intelligence. In fact, introverts may be able to pick up these skills quicker than extroverts and it’s why they have the natural ability to build great relationships with others.
